I know what it feels like – investing hours upon hours searching for contentment in your singleness. Watching a relationship sermon series on Youtube, listening to podcasts, reading the Bible, talking to friends and mentors – and hearing the same messages over and over again: that God is with you, that He knows the yearnings of your heart, and that above all else, the things we are looking for in a relationship are first of all found in Christ. I get it, because I am you, too. I tried using rationalisation to get my heart to follow what I was feeding into my mind. However, I still felt like I came up short, because even through many years of speaking these truths over myself, I was pretty sure I wasn’t completely happy with being on my own.
We are told things like “you should learn to be happy on your own”, or “even Jesus was single”, or my (least) favourite: “when you stop looking, they’ll come to you”. That one always makes me want to roll my eyes. Although these statements are true, instead of finding comfort in those encouragements, they made me feel like I had to do something and get my heart right before I deserved someone. I felt invalidated and unseen in my longing for a potential partner because of the communal pressure to achieve these things from the “singleness checklist” before even thinking about dating. There are so many more examples I could list here, but I want to offer you an alternative way to reframe your thinking. Instead of feeling shame from not being content with my singleness, these words have encouraged me throughout this season of my life. To my friends and church family who are reading this and see your words here, thank you.
Although these statements are true, instead of finding comfort in those encouragements, they made me feel like I had to do something and get my heart right before I deserved someone. I felt invalidated and unseen in my longing for a potential partner because of the communal pressure to achieve these things from the “singleness checklist” before even thinking about dating.
Being a happy single and still wanting to be with someone can coexist. After all, God did say that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2.18). This requires lots of self awareness and reflection. What would it mean to you to be happy single? I made the mistake of thinking that being a happy single would mean that I made myself indestructible- a true modern age “girlboss”: working out several times a week, keeping a well-balanced schedule, eating well, pouring my life into ministry and being “an independent woman who don’t need no man”. Although these things did improve my overall lifestyle, I used this busyness as a front to conceal that underneath all this, I was idealising a glorified vision of singleness by overcompensating for the fact that I had all this free time for myself. I found that latching onto our modern culture’s message of “you are enough” to be counter-gospel. I’m not enough, and I still won’t be even if I were in a relationship. We are all born sinners and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3.23). Since the fall, we experience the world in ways that God didn’t intend, which we call sin. Sin in relationships looks like two broken people bringing fears, trauma, insecurities and other emotional baggage from their pasts into the present and the future. If anything, being in a relationship doesn’t make us whole, but only reveals and reinforces our need to be known and loved by God. The times where I’ve felt the most seen and whole have been in the presence of God, where I can come as I am because He chose me and sent His son to cover my shortcomings.
I made the mistake of thinking that being a happy single would mean that I made myself indestructible- a true modern age “girlboss” … I used this busyness as a front to conceal that underneath all this, I was idealising a glorified vision of singleness by overcompensating for the fact that I had all this free time for myself.
The person you meet will be a gift. God doesn’t promise us a prince charming, our soulmate, “the One” or whatever you choose to call the person you have envisioned for yourself. Even if you try to, you won’t be able to control the circumstances in which someone may walk into your life. We can’t achieve the perfect mentality towards our relationship status to get ourselves ready for a relationship, as our thoughts are always tainted with sin (Romans 3.23). Even though learning how to be happy with your own company and leaning into your growing maturity and faith is good, it doesn’t mean that once you achieve this you will ‘unlock’ the next level of life of being in a relationship. Our lives are not like a series of levels that we have to go through to complete a video game, but winding paths with so many different opportunities for twists and turns, all to the glory of God.
Even though learning how to be happy with your own company and leaning into your growing maturity and faith is good, it doesn’t mean that once you achieve this you will ‘unlock’ the next level of life of being in a relationship. Our lives are not like a series of levels that we have to go through to complete a video game, but winding paths with so many different opportunities for twists and turns, all to the glory of God.
So what do we do with our time, and how can we be encouraged to live our singleness in the way God intended it?
1. Take time to reflect and learn about yourself and discover how God made you: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. What gifts did He give you and how can you use them to reflect His glory? Self awareness, knowledge and confidence in what you bring to the table is also a huge blessing to carry into any potential relationship.
2. See that your worth isn’t only validated by someone who sees you in a romantic way. Even though we feel good if someone likes us, in reality nothing about us would have changed in the days leading up to someone catching feelings for us, and the days after. We are still the same person, with the same personality, sets of skills and characteristics. People in your community already see the characteristics in you that you wished someone would fall in love with. You are already a blessing to the people around you. As a church, perhaps we should affirm our singles more regularly than we currently are. (But also remember that your worth isn’t wholly in how others perceive you.)
3. The best gift you can give your potential future spouse is your relationship with God. When approaching the topic of relationships and marriage, we have to confront the idea of purity and the weight of what it means within our faith. Simply “saving yourself for marriage” without looking at the heart of keeping away from sexual immorality isn’t how God intended for us to approach the topic of purity. Take this time to learn how to honour God in both your mind and your body.
4. Lastly, remember God’s character. He is good, kind and faithful. All the evidence you need for His perfectly just and merciful character is found in the pages of the Bible, from start to finish. He is sovereign and in control of all things. The lives that we lead are all interwoven into God’s big plan to redeem His people, and He uses us for His glory – single or not.
The lives that we lead are all interwoven into God’s big plan to redeem His people, and He uses us for His glory – single or not.